Alec's Blog

Lol, politics.

Hypothetical: You’re in the park, taking a stroll with your finest prostitute, when she grabs your hand.  Suddenly, you see (robots/your wife/the ark of the covenant), and you’re sitting here with one hand technically inside a prostitute.  Now you’re (forced to do kung-fu with one hand/getting a divorce/going to fail to cover your eyes) and (going to be assimilated/better off/dead).

Holding hands has got to be some of the lamest shit ever.  Think about it: how much shit throughout the day is questionably clean?  That bathroom door handle?  There’s more shit on it than virgins on world of warcraft.  Your keyboard?  If I had a nickle for every time it got splashed with semen, I could afford to get a divorce.  Your silverware?  I can’t even legally tell you what happens there.

So you’re taking two of the most plague-infested body parts you have and rubbing them together, clenching them to create an unholy conglomerate of bacteria and chemicals that would make even the dirtiest of sluts cringe.  Except it doesn’t.  In a recent study, 9 out of 10 sluts like holding hands.  That statistic comes directly from my imagination, because I couldn’t actually find statistics on it/didn’t actually care to look because everyone knows it’s true, and that’s if I’m not lowballing it.

You also lose an entire hand of utility.  Did you know that every 8 seconds, someone is in an auto collision?  A whopping 98% of them are related to holding hands?  And only 10% of those drift into oncomming traffic because they don’t want to be holding hands.  The rest are due to women getting in the way of men who can’t dodge quickly enough because another woman is making him play with one hand behind his back.

So remember kids, when you hold hands, you’re really holding hands with this guy:

    You know what I’m sick and tired of?  Everyone ignoring the big elephant in the room.  It’s time we talk about the biggest danger facing America today: Plastic Grocery Bags.

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Look at this guy, holy shit.

I dunno what it is, but lately I’ve really wanted to get into a fight.  Like a real, full on fist fight with someone bigger than me.  Think about it like this: Either I get my ass kicked, or I do something impressive.  Either way, good times are had by all.

You might be asking yourself: Why Grover Cleveland?  Just look at him.  Good god.  It’s like he’s a really fat guy pregnant with another really fat guy.  Here’s how I imagine fighting him would go.

Alec: Holy fucking shit.

Cleveland: Yeah, you’re going to get wrecked.

Alec uses pound.  It’s not very effective.

Snorlax uses Body Slam.

Alec is Paralyzed!  He may not be able to attack.

Alec: Wtf?!?

Cleveland: It’s raping time.

Alec: NOOOOOO!

Snorlax uses lick.

Alec: OH GOD, WHY ME?!?

Snorlax uses harden.

Snorlax uses explosion.

Snorlax uses rest.

Alec curls up into a ball and cries.

MAN I FUCKING HATE IT WHEN I’M SITTING AROUND EATING CEREAL, AND OUT OF NOWHERE, THE NORSE GOD ODIN COMES AND GIVES ME A BACKHANDED COMPLIMENT.

“YOUR NEW HAIRCUT MAKES YOU LOOK LESS GAY”???  LIKE MY HAIRCUT BEFORE WAS GAY?

FUCK YOU, ODIN.

(01:23:49 AM) janetparrishtkgea@hotmail.com: hi wanna see something??;-)
(01:24:01 AM) Alec: no, I’m kind of busy with an insect problem
(01:24:11 AM) janetparrishtkgea@hotmail.com: Yay someone to talk to :-) !! how are u? I found your name in the msn online members search :)
(01:24:21 AM) Alec: what are you talking about
(01:24:32 AM) janetparrishtkgea@hotmail.com: my roomates just stepped out I only have a little while alone… ;-) are u alone too? we should cam2cam ;)
(01:24:50 AM) Alec: No, I’m in a room full of bees. Please help me. I’m dying.

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10. People who call creationists idiots and cite evolution as the only way life could have begun.

Seriously, I’m so sick of people who think that evolution is a bulletproof theory.  Do you think organisms with respiratory systems just evolved with a full working system?  Yes?  Shut the fuck up, idiot.  Evolution doesn’t explain shit.  That’s not to say I’m a creationist; I don’t know how life began, I’m just pretty confident it wasn’t a man in the clouds and it wasn’t nothing that turned into something exceedingly complex.  Quit being such an asshole, your theory is just as bad as theirs.

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You know what watching tv at 8 am has led me to believe?  That all Americans are fat, poor, or both.  I don’t understand why it is that every infomercial on right now is either exercise equipment, diet pills, or get rich quick schemes.

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This game is the best thing that can happen to a person.

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